Tricks for Couples
Was the reference to "tricks" a trick to get you here? Partly, but there are some things you can do to change the tone of interactions with your partner. Many times in dialogue, the second person pronoun feels and sounds accusatory. "YOU!" By itself with proper punctuation, it is clear that this is indeed one of the fighting words...or at least one version of 'lets fight'. I advise couples to toss the "you" word out and substitute "I feel". There are variations that can substitute such as "I think", "its seems", "WHAT I HEAR YOU SAYING' (please please don't use this one unless its an emergency :-).
Another useful verbal-semantic strategy for more peace is to avoid infinity words. You may have noticed the similarity to the CBT page in this recommendation. Infinity words are "always", "never", "totally". We throw these in to our speech (and thus our thinking, thank you, Dr. Wittgenstein) and color the situation with needless contentious affect in a subtle and insidious form. Substitute "sometimes", "often", "it seems a lot of the time...". Perhaps by taking the time to choose less contentious language many partners feel an increased tone of goodwill and respond accordingly.
So simple algorithm to improve couples peace and harmony and more quickly resolve conflict.
Formula:
1) Avoid "you" with partners. Use first person, "I" when possible.
2) Avoid infinity words. Substitute less histrionic words when you need peace.
Once upon a clinic I had a couple who fought more than any couple I had ever seen before. Yep, there was a champ...(but many of you were also very worthy candidates for most contentious couples!) But these guys argued so much verbally that it was hard to get anything done. Finally, my right brain found something goofy that worked and I will share it here. It works if you try it.
FOR AN AGREED ON TIME ONLY COMMUNICATE IN WRITING. Use sticky notes in your pocket for talking to each other and it makes one think about the purpose of communicating. Most of us are too uncommitted to the argument to argue in writing. This little behavioral trick has helped whenever a verbally contentious couple has tried it. You don't need to do it forever.
Another quite useful behavioral formula is Active Listening or Reflective Communication. This was popularized by Dr. Carl Rogers and became the basis of rogerian therapy. In its most beginner form it might be called parroting...ie, "I feel mad"..."you feel mad"..."very mad"..."you feel very mad"..."yes...why are you saying everything I say?" :-) So parroting is better than nothing but an unsophisticated use of it will eventually lead to the recipient noticing the mechanical aspect of what you are doing. So paraphrase a little. The recipient will give you subtle feedback like a nod or vocal cue if you paraphrase accurately. This type of reflective talking makes people feel heard.
An adult patient of mine who had significant aspergers features, realized he really had very little clue what was going on in other's heads...especially his wife's. And she would ream him repeatedly for lack of empathy...all of which which wasn't registering on his cognitive wavelength. He began to apply this simply reflective formula and to his amazement, she stopped yelling at him so much. It was like his own little phenomenal universe. He said he really didn't know why but it solved a lot of his relationship conflicts that were mysterious to him.
To wrap it up for now...according to the best scientific research (Gottman), couples who pay attention to their ratio of good words to bad words and maintain greater than a 5 to 1 ratio of good words to bad words will have done most of the work toward maintaining the marriage. So...if you let a few word bombs slip out, cleaning up the mess means rebalancing with about 5 more good words but don't keep score...throw in some freebies :-)
Ok so here is a summary behavioral formula for peace in the house:
Formula:
1) Avoid "you" with partners. Use first person, "I" when possible.
2) Avoid infinity words. Substitute less histrionic words when you need peace.
3) Reflect your partners words back in paraphrase summation during communication.
4) Agree on how to handle conflict and respect those rules until you agree to change them . A trial period behavioral agreement like arguing on paper can break a bad interactional habit.
5) Keep your good words to bad words better than or equal to a 5 to 1 ratio.
Another useful verbal-semantic strategy for more peace is to avoid infinity words. You may have noticed the similarity to the CBT page in this recommendation. Infinity words are "always", "never", "totally". We throw these in to our speech (and thus our thinking, thank you, Dr. Wittgenstein) and color the situation with needless contentious affect in a subtle and insidious form. Substitute "sometimes", "often", "it seems a lot of the time...". Perhaps by taking the time to choose less contentious language many partners feel an increased tone of goodwill and respond accordingly.
So simple algorithm to improve couples peace and harmony and more quickly resolve conflict.
Formula:
1) Avoid "you" with partners. Use first person, "I" when possible.
2) Avoid infinity words. Substitute less histrionic words when you need peace.
Once upon a clinic I had a couple who fought more than any couple I had ever seen before. Yep, there was a champ...(but many of you were also very worthy candidates for most contentious couples!) But these guys argued so much verbally that it was hard to get anything done. Finally, my right brain found something goofy that worked and I will share it here. It works if you try it.
FOR AN AGREED ON TIME ONLY COMMUNICATE IN WRITING. Use sticky notes in your pocket for talking to each other and it makes one think about the purpose of communicating. Most of us are too uncommitted to the argument to argue in writing. This little behavioral trick has helped whenever a verbally contentious couple has tried it. You don't need to do it forever.
Another quite useful behavioral formula is Active Listening or Reflective Communication. This was popularized by Dr. Carl Rogers and became the basis of rogerian therapy. In its most beginner form it might be called parroting...ie, "I feel mad"..."you feel mad"..."very mad"..."you feel very mad"..."yes...why are you saying everything I say?" :-) So parroting is better than nothing but an unsophisticated use of it will eventually lead to the recipient noticing the mechanical aspect of what you are doing. So paraphrase a little. The recipient will give you subtle feedback like a nod or vocal cue if you paraphrase accurately. This type of reflective talking makes people feel heard.
An adult patient of mine who had significant aspergers features, realized he really had very little clue what was going on in other's heads...especially his wife's. And she would ream him repeatedly for lack of empathy...all of which which wasn't registering on his cognitive wavelength. He began to apply this simply reflective formula and to his amazement, she stopped yelling at him so much. It was like his own little phenomenal universe. He said he really didn't know why but it solved a lot of his relationship conflicts that were mysterious to him.
To wrap it up for now...according to the best scientific research (Gottman), couples who pay attention to their ratio of good words to bad words and maintain greater than a 5 to 1 ratio of good words to bad words will have done most of the work toward maintaining the marriage. So...if you let a few word bombs slip out, cleaning up the mess means rebalancing with about 5 more good words but don't keep score...throw in some freebies :-)
Ok so here is a summary behavioral formula for peace in the house:
Formula:
1) Avoid "you" with partners. Use first person, "I" when possible.
2) Avoid infinity words. Substitute less histrionic words when you need peace.
3) Reflect your partners words back in paraphrase summation during communication.
4) Agree on how to handle conflict and respect those rules until you agree to change them . A trial period behavioral agreement like arguing on paper can break a bad interactional habit.
5) Keep your good words to bad words better than or equal to a 5 to 1 ratio.